


As Fluid as the Water in the Ocean

by Xray_and_Vav_to_the_rescue (RedLikeRayses)



Series: The Adventures of Genderfluid!Barbara [1]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Coming Out, Don't Judge Me, Genderfluid Character, also swearing, but it's only for like 2 lines, realization and acceptance, there's slight transphobic language, this is bad but i'm proud of it, this is bad but it's currently 3:48 AM ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-16
Updated: 2014-08-16
Packaged: 2018-02-13 09:52:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2146293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedLikeRayses/pseuds/Xray_and_Vav_to_the_rescue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barbara is having a tough time coming to terms with her gender....</p>
            </blockquote>





	As Fluid as the Water in the Ocean

**Author's Note:**

> Hullo hullo hullo!
> 
> Ok so first of all it's literally 3:51 AM (plus it's my birthday,woot woot) as of posting this so please excuse any mistakes.
> 
> Second, I've discovered recently that I'm genderfluid,so I felt a physical need to write this fic. I haven't come out yet(and probably won't for a very long time, to be honest),but a lot of what Barb feels and thinks in this fic are based on personal experiences.
> 
> This is a shit fic but I'm proud of it and proud of myself for writing it, so yeah.
> 
> I also sort of left the pairing up to your imagination.
> 
> Happy reading!

Barbara put her head in her hands and groaned loudly. The blaring light of the computer screen in her pitch black room stared at her, mocking her with the words it displayed. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to clear her head so that she could just _think_ about all this.

 _My name is Barbara Dunkelman. I-_ She frowned. "My name is Barbara Dunkelman. "She said out loud. The words didn't feel right in her mouth. "My name is _Barbara Dunkelman. "She_ repeated. The words made her feel nauseous and an uncomfortable feeling rooted itself in her stomach and heart. "My name is Barbara Dunkelman,and i am a woman. "She scrunched her face up involuntarily." I am a _woman. "The_ words didn't sit right with her." I am a _female. "She_ groaned and pounded the side of her head in frustration. "Fuck,that doesn't sound right, I feel so _weird! "She_ growled.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath to calm herself. "My name is Barbara Dunkelman,and I am a man."

She felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders, and she found herself relaxing involuntarily. She stared at the computer screen in front of her, which displayed an article called 'Genderfluid-it's a real thing.'"Well, I guess that settles that", she muttered, letting her head drop onto her desk with a loud bang.

She'd always had days where she felt uncomfortable in her body, ever since 8th grade. Maybe even before that. She had just thought it was normal for girls going through puberty, so she just brushed it off. In her freshman year, she just figured it was a lingering effect from her years during puberty.Sophomore and Junior year, she just thought it was something people of all genders went through. Senior year, she had realized that her feelings and thoughts were not normal, but refused to acknowledge it.

A few years later, she scored a job at Roosterteeth, and she was fucking ecstatic. I mean, it's a dream job, who WOULDN'T be? And,for the most part, it was blissful, chaotic heaven. But there was something she hadn't really accounted for.

Because she actually had a full time career now, she figured that the 'bad days', as she called them, would just go away-after all, those were kiddie feelings,right?However,they most certainly did _not_ go away.In fact,working in a company so close to so many guys just made them flare up.She didn't dare tell anyone,though.Why would she?She was an absolute freak-i mean,who wants to be a girl on some days and a guy on others?It just isn't natural.So she pushed the feelings aside,even on 'bad days',and ignored them best she could.

This got harder to do as she began to get closer with her co-workers,the Achievement Hunters in particular.She found herself cursing her body and wishing she was just 'one of the guys' one day,but then feeling like the girliest chick on the planet the next day.It was all just so confusing and it fustrated her so much and her mind was just mud at this point.It had begun to take a huge toll on her,and she finally accepted that something was wrong with her and decided to some research.Which leads us to where she is now.

In her dark bedroom.

In front of her computer.

With her head on her desk.

Alone.

After about an hour of groaning and moaning and cursing the world for letting her be born,she finally and reluctantly accepted the truth-she was genderfluid.She had to admit,the term felt... _right_ to her,somehow.

A lot more relaxed now,she began researching what she could do on 'bad days'(she really had to find a new name for those)to make her feel more like a guy.She stumbled across something called a 'binder' and she perked up. _Perfect!_ After a little more digging,she found a store in town that sold them and vowed to go there first thing in the morning.Sure,they took a few days to break in,but the whole company had the week off due to some maintenance that had to be done to the building.Her binder would be ready to go by the time she went back to work.

Her heart sank to her stomach. _Work._ What was she going to tell everyone?Should she even tell them? _Maybe on bad days i'll just dress like a guy once i get home...i mean,that's the only way,right?I can't tell anyone else about this,no way!They'd all think i was a freak!I mean,I couldn't blame them,but still...._

After a few more hours of research,she made a to-do list for the morning and turned her monitor off.Her mind was buzzing so much that she didn't think she'd get any sleep,but almost as soon as her head touched the pillow,she was out like a light.

The next morning when she woke up,she knew instantly that it was a Barbara day.She brushed and curled her hair,pulled on a frilly white v-neck,her darkest jeans,and her white beanie before inspecting herself in the mirror.After applying her make-up and feeling satisfied with herself,she grabbed her purse and set off to complete her to-do list.She bought a few packages of boxers(it took forever to figure out how to convert men's sizes to women's),multiple cans of spray-on hair dye that washed out,2 wigs,and a whole wardrobe of men's clothes.Excitement bubbled in her stomach as she loaded the items in her car.Once she slipped behind the wheel,however,she hesistated.If she took this next step...there would be no going back,no denying it anymore.This next purchase would make all of this absoluetly _real._ And it scared her.She shook her head. _C'mon,Barb,don't wimp out now.If you don't do this,it'll never happen,and you'll be doomed to 'bad days' for the rest of your life._ Steeling her nerves,she drove out of the parking lot and to her next destination.

Buying a binder was actually not as awkward as she thought it'd be.The employees were completely understanding and didn't question her,for which she was greatful.They helped her find her size,gave her a packet of instructions to go along with it,and she was on her way.She was in and out of there in 20 minutes.

Putting the binder on when she got home,however,was a whole 'nother story.It felt too tight and too constricting and too uncomfortable and too EVERYTHING.After she managed to convince herself that yes,this is a normal feeling and yes,it would eventually go away and yes,she could,in fact,breathe,she slipped a loose fitting shirt on and inspected her body in the mirror.Even though she had what would be considered as a large chest,the binder actually did a damn good job of concealing it.Sure,this was extremely uncomfortable,but she would get used to it.Besides,it was totally worth it.She smiled and sat on the couch to watch some stupid movie.A few hours later,she took her binder off as instructed,and put it away.And for the first time in a long time,she felt comfortable in her body.

The next day,Sunday,was another Barbara day.She stayed home all day playing games with Ray over Xbox live.While they were waiting in a Halo lobby,she got the overwhelming urge to tell him everything that had happened to her in the last few daays.She stuffed it down,though,convincing herself that she simply wasn't ready.She left her binder on for the alotted time that she was supposed to,then quickly put it away it in its usual spot.And once she and Ray both decided to sign off-it was 1 AM at that point-she fell asleep feeling much more content than she had in a while.When she woke up Monday morning,however,she was no longer a 'she',but a 'he'.He got up and shoved one of his short haired black wigs on.After changing into boxers and a plaid shirt,he decided to stay away from any and all social interactions,politely turning down game invites from friends with the excuse that he was sick.He didn't mind,however.Just put on his binder and spent the day watching crappy action movies.He took his binder and wig off around 9,letting his long,blonde locks and chest free.He kept the boxers on,though-they were quite comfortable.The next day he woke up feeling the same,which surprised him a little.He took a shower(keeping his eyes closed the whole time),slapped his wig and binder on again,and spent another long day doing whatever around the house.And when he woke up Wednesday morning,he wasn't all that surprised that he still felt the same.However,he decided to come out of his shell a bit.He straightened his hair,sprayed it black,and buried it underneath a red baseball cap.He slipped his binder on-it was starting to feel normal at this point-and donned baggy jeans with a loose-fitting t-shirt.He slipped his Vans on,applied some makeup to make him look a bit more masculine,and stepped back to admire his appearance.He made a pretty damn convincing man.He grabbed his wallet and his keys and walked out of his house for the first time that week.At the grocery store,he practiced speaking with a deep voice,which earned him some weird looks.Over the course of the day,though,he got pretty good with it.He even felt bold enough to order food from a drive-thru using his new voice.And to his delight,the worker was none the wiser.When he finally got home,he wolfed his food down quickly.He took a shower to wash the black dye out of his hair,undressed,and fell into a peaceful sleep.

The next day was a Barbara day.She replaced her boxers with her usual underwear,took a long shower(with her eyes open this time),and decided that today would be another lazy day.She slipped into some pink silk nighties and her fluffy bunny slippers and curled up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn and a bottle of Moutain Dew.She hummed a showtune to herself as she waited for her xbox to boot up.When it FINALLY decided to turn on,she was delighted to see that a bunch of her friends were online.She grabbed her headset just as she recieved a message.After plugging her headset in and adjusting it on her head,she opened the message and grinned.It was from Ray.

" _SHE LIVES!So are you up for some sweet Halo action with the guys?"_

She grinned and began typing. _"Sign me up,Bro-man"_

A few seconds later she got a party invite and pulled the menu up to see who else was in the party.Along with her and Ray,there was Gavin,Michael,Burnie,Geoff,Miles,and Kerry.Her ears were immediately assaulted with greetings of varying levels of enthusiasm from her co-workers(3 guesses as to who was more excited than the others).Once the noise had all pretty much died down,Ray's annoyed sigh sounded through her headset."Barbara,that was literally the worst pun you could have possibly made."She chortled."Would you say that it was-"She was cut off as a wave of protests reached her ears."What was the pun,Ray?",Michael asked."I asked her if she wanted to play with us,and her response was "'Sign me up,Bro-man'."Barbara giggled as the others groaned."Really,Barbara?""GodDAMNIT,Barb!""I'm so dissapointed""Punkelman strikes again."."Alright,alright,the pun was shitty,but we've got the lobby all set up,Hurry your ass up,Dunkelman.".She rolled her eyes but complied,and within a few minutes,they were playing a Team D match.(Miles,Kerry,Gavin,and Barbara were on one team facing Burnie,Michael,Geoff,and Ray).

They played for about an hour and half before Miles,Kerry,and Michael announced that they had to sign off to do some RWBY stuff("Aw come on,now the teams aren't even!""Boo fucking hoo,nerd.")They said their goodbyes and sat in the lobby for a while."So what now?",Gavin asked."Fuck it,let's just play online.I really don't want to do a free-for-all if Ray's in it."Geoff responded.The others murmured their agreements,and,with a playful huff,Ray backed the party out and they waited to find an open match.

Somewhere between the first and the second hour of playing,the group made a silent agreement to join Gavin and do their best to fuck with their teamates as much as they possibly could rather than actually play the game.They had to turn the volume on their headsets down,but hearing the reactions from people was hilarious.They were gripping their sides and wheezing by the 5th match.Gasping for breath,they backed out of the server and entered another,eager for new victims.Barbara grinned when the match loaded up-they were against another party of 5.She went in to the game eager to start messing with them-it was a group of little kids,easy targets.And why shouldn't she have been?There was no way she could have predicted what was going to happen.

She had been pulling a dick move by trapping one of the kids in a corner when he shouted it."Get off,you fucking tranny!"Barbara froze,the smile on her face instantly wiped off."BlawnDee,fucking grow some balls and get off him,faggott-ass tranny!"Barbara dropped the controller.She didn't know whether or not the sound of it was audible over the headset,but she didn't care.A fresh wave of insecurties hit her like a train,and a million thoughts ran through her head. _Is he right,am i really a tranny?I mean, i know that it's...shit,what the fuck is wrong with me?Genderfluid is NOT a real or normal thing is it,god i'm a fucking freak!You're either male or female,that's it!I'm such a fucking freak,what the hell is wrong with me?_

She had been so lost in thought that she hadn't noticed that Ray had backed them out of the game or heard the others shouting her name until a full minute later."BARBARA!"She picked up her controller with shaking hands."Y-yeah?",she stuttered out. "Barb, you ok?",Burnie asked."Y-y-yeah,fine,just...a little sick still, I guess  "She laughed weakly."Look, I've gotta...go....I'll see you guys later. "She pulled her headset off and shut the console down before she could hear the others confusion or question. She curled up in a tight ball on her couch, squeezing her eyes shut to prevent the tears in her eyes from leaking out. She stayed like that for who knows how long, drowning in self-loathing. She would eventually cry herself to sleep in that same position, unwilling to move.

When she woke up the next day, she felt considerably better. She felt secure again, and embarrassed for letting that kid's words get to him.After all,who was he-or anyone,really-to say that being different is bad?

Her behavior had attracted the attention of her friends,though,and her phone had a shitton of messages.

 _baaaaarb.wat happened?You ok?_ Gavin.

 _What was that all about?I'm here if you need to talk to someone,you know._ Ray.

 _Yo,barb,You alright?_ Geoff

 _I told everyone else to leave you alone.You don't have to tell us what happened,but I just wanted to make sure that you're ok._ Burnie.

 _Burnie said to back off,but i just wanted to remind you that i'm here for you._ Ray.

She smiled,suddenly feeling very foolish for how she reacted.She sent out a group message to all of them: _"I'm fine guys,chill.Just the hormones.And Ray,i never knew you were such a sap"_.She grinned,knowing that the others were going to roast Ray about that last part.She knew she was being an asshole,but ah,whatever.

The next few days were all Barbara days.She was happy and content,and even went out for a company night at the bar (she didn't trust herself to get drunk and not spill everything,so she chose to stay sober.It was pretty hilarious seeing the other's drunken antics,though).And on Monday,when everyone went back to work,she was more cheery than she had been before.She didn't feel uncomfrotable in her skin,and didn't want to claw her eyes out everytime she caught a glimpse of her cleavage.She felt good.Tuesday was the same way.

Then came Wednesday.

As soon as she woke up,she knew it was a 'he' day.This routine had become pretty much automatic to him by now,and he started his transformation without even thinking about it.He took a quick shower(eyes closed),dried his hair,straightened it,and sprayed it black before he was even fully awake.He slipped out of his underwear and put a new pair of boxers on before putting his binder on with ease.He adorned baggy black jeans anda plain blue t-shirt with a plaid button-up over it.He pulled on a black beanie and tucked his hair into it comfortably before stepping front of the mirror to apply his makeup.It was then that he froze. _Wait...shit,i have to go to work today!Fuck,fuck,fuck,shit,SHIT....._ He considered trying to make himself look like a girl again,but he was already running late because he had forgotten that it was a workday. _Fuck...i guess i really don't have a choice then,huh?Who knows,maybe it won't be too bad...maybe._ Biting his lip,he decided to forgo the makeup-sure,he looked a little feminine,but it wasn't TOO bad...he hoped.He slipped into his Vans and raced out to his car,ignoring his growling stomach.

Only when he pulled into his usual parking space in the parking lot did the panic begin to set in.His palms were sweaty and his heart was pounding and his head was spinning.He took a deep breath to calm himself. _It's fine,you're ok,you are perfectly ok.All you have to do is just walk in there and say....wait,do i even say anything?Or do i just correct people when they call me Barbara?Then what do they call me?_ His cheeks flushed as he realized he hadn't come up with a name for himself yet.He wracked his brain and tried a few out before he found one that stuck out to him:Barrett."My name is Barrett Dunkelman."He said quietly.He smiled. _Barrett...yeah,I like that._ His pulse began to slow down to normal and he took another deep breath. _I can do this.I'll just correct people when they call me Barbara,and...well,i'll just have to see how they react to it._

Before he could change his mind,he stepped out of his car quickly and grabbed his work bag before locking it.He froze with his hand on the door handle of the building's front door.He bit the inside of his lip and steeled his nerves,throwing the door open and stepping inside. _No going back now._

Ray and Geoff,who were having a discussion just outside the Achievement Hunter office,turned to him as soon as he entered.Geoff frowned at him and walked towards him."Cani help you..."He faltered and took a closer look at him." _Barb?",_ he asked incredulously."Is that you?"Ray walked up next to the older man,grinning."Man,that is a _nice_ costume,Barbara.Are you filming a short today?"Barrett smiled shyly."No,i'm not.And uh,actually,my name is Barrett."He said in his deep voice.Geoff laughed."Man,that's pretty damn convincing."Barrett's face fell."It...it's not a joke,Geoff...",he said quietly.Ray's eyes widened in realization."Ohhhhh....",he whispered.Geoff looked at him quizically,but Ray simply took Barrett's hand and led him outside,motioning for Geoff to stay back.

"So...Barrett....are you..."Ray cleared his throat."So you're trans,then?".Barrett shook his head slowly."No...it's something called genderfluid...do you know what that means?".Now it was Ray's turn to shake his head.Barrett sighed and explained to him,in detail,exactly what being genderfluid meant.At the end of his speech,he bit his lip and waited for the information to sink in."So,"Ray began slowly,"Some days you're Barbara,and other days,like today,you're Barrett?".Barrett nodded.Ray smiled at him."Alright.".The older man stared at him."You...you don't mind?".The Hispanic shrugged."No.I mean,i've had a few FtM and MtF friends before,so im kinda used it.It doesnt bother me or anything,if that's what you're thinking.It's not a choice,and i know that.I accept that.You're still you;the only thing that's changed is your gender.But that's it."He shuffled awkwardly a little bit before adding,"You're still the Punkelman that i know and love."Barrett smiled hugely and opened his arms."Bro-hug?".Ray nodded solemnly."Bro-hug."They laughed into it,pulling away with smiles on their faces.

"Hey,Ray...will you,uh,will you help me...with everyone else?",Barrett asked sheepishly.Ray nodded."Sure,man.C'mon,let's go."He slung an arm around his friend's shoulder and they both walked inside."Alright.Who do you want to start with?",he asked quiety.Barrett cocked his head,thinking."You guys,i guess."He whispered back.Ray nodded and they walked over to the closed door of the Achievement Hunter office.He knocked on it briskly before walking in, successfully gathering everyone's attention.He gently pulled Barrett into the room,and their co-workers stared at him."Alright guys,listen up.I have a feeling he doesn't want to explain this twice, so pay attention."The Puerto Rican said,getsuring to his friend.Gavin started to say something,but Ray held his hand up,effectively silencing the Lad."Floor's yours,man."

Barrett nodded and took a deep breath. "Uhhh,I don't really know how to start this off,so i guess i'll just dive in.I'm something called genderfluid.Basically,some days i'm a girl,and some days i'm a guy.Some days i'm Barbara,and some days i'm....Barrett,Like today.It's not a choice,though.I don't get to choose which gender i am.It's just a feeling, really,and it sticks with me until my brain decides that it wants to be a girl."He gulped."I,uh...i would appreciate it if you guys would call me Barrett instead of Barbara and use he/his/him pronouns on Barrett days.Look,i didn't choose to be like this,but i am.I don't necessarily like it,but it's who i am,and....yeah."He finished quietly,losing his nerve.Ray put his hand on his shoulder supportively.

The room was quiet for a moment while everyone took this in.Unsurprisingly,it was Gavin who broke the silence."Would you say that you're that you're a DunkelMAN?"He grinned goofily at Barrett,who sputtered,not expecting that.Michael and Geoff laughed while Ray just shook his head."Gavin,PLEASE."A shell-shocked Jack joined in with the laughter,watching as Michael reached over and lightly slapped the back of the Brit's head."OI!",he squawked.

After the laughter eventually died down,Barett just stared at them all."So...so you guys are ok with this whole thing?".The Achievement Hunters nodded."People are able to be much more open about this type of stuff in England than they are here,so."Gavin told him."And i grew up in Jersey-you see some weird shit there,man."Michael chimed in.Jack and Geoff exchanged looks and shrugged."I mean,we don't really care.If it's not a choice,it's not a choice.Simple as that."Geoff said."Yeah.Plus,you're still you.Just now you're a man version of you."Jack added.The rest of them nodded in agreement and Barrett felt nearly ready to burst into tears."Thanks,you guys.",He mumbled bashfully."No problem.And correct us if we accidently use the wrong name or pronouns,alright?".Barrett nodded and smiled,feeling a huge weight lift off his shoulders."Alright,well,we've got people to do and things to see.I'll be back soon,Geoff.Just gotta take Barrett here around the office."Ray said.Geoff nodded."Alright.See ya.".A chorus of "Bye,Barrett"s followed the pair out the door as they left.Ray grinned at his older friend,who was smiling hugely."You ready?",he asked.Barrett nodded."Let's do this."

Everyone took it quite well,to Barrett's surprise.After they told everyone,he and Ray went their seperate ways to their respective offices.And except for needing to correct people's pronouns a few times,the day went by completely normally.Nothing changed.  
And when he came in as Barrett the next day,nobody questioned it.

And when he came in on Friday as Barbara,nobody questioned it either.And she started to forget why she was so nervous about coming out to her co-workers and friends.

Because,really,being genderfluid isn't that big of a deal.Because it doesn't matter if she's wearing a mini-skirt and a low v-neck or baggy shorts and and an oversized hoodie.It doesn't matter if her hair is blonde and styled or if it's black and buried underneath a hat.It doesn't matter if her voice is high or if it's 3 octaves lower than normal.None of these things matter,not at all.Because no matter what,at the end of the day,she's still Barbara Dunkelman.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so bad at endings
> 
> So I originally wrote this with the intention of it being a one-shot, but as I kept writing, I started to get some more ideas of what I could do with genderfluid Barbara. So if you guys like this enough, maybe I'll make this a series.
> 
> Constructive criticism is always welcome, I love to hear what you guys think of my fics!


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